A personal expression

Sometimes I feel capable and strong enough.  Most of the time I feel quite the opposite.  Looking back on the last year puts me in a sort of delirious haze that I still am navigating through.  Looking forward seems only slightly less uncertain.  I don’t want this post to get too personal, but then again, it is my blog and I can post whatever I want too.  I have found that many times expressing myself in a medium that others can read or see, helps me sort out what really is going on in my head and my heart.  When I was a bit younger and more creative I would either draw, paint, or whip some image up on the computer and it would be heavily therapeutic.  I would be able to put my headphones on and take the time and space I needed to get it out.  I haven’t really had that luxury lately for any number of reasons; living in Grenada, medical school for the last 5 or so years, a growing family, and more recently living in 6 different places in the last 12 months, etc. 

So I have tried my hand here and there by writing what needs to get out.  I have not shared most of my writings because they are deeply personal, and unlike visual art, is harder for me to encrypt my intentions and meanings.  Even harder has been authentically expressing myself verbally – something that I have been weak at since I was born, I think.  So have patience, bridle a hasty judgment, and allow me this space and medium for self expression.

If there is one thing that I have learned in life so far, it is that nothing is sure, nothing is certain, nothing is definite and nothing is finished.  I believe that life and all that comes with it resembles the first law of thermodynamics: energy is neither created or destroyed, but does change.  Feel free to substitute the word “energy” with whatever you please and I think you will find that it still, with fairness, makes sense. 

I understand that I have a scientific essence at times and a spiritual essence at other times.  On many occasions these two parts co-mingle and create something entirely different, something unexplainable.  For too long I tried to keep these two parts separated, like two lovers whose relationship has to be kept secret as not to upset the established balance.  But, when seen together, an entirely new entity appears. 

What I have experienced is something terrifying and wonderful at the same time.  The new entity that was born within me has changed me and allows me to feel the world around me with my own hands, and to see it with my own eyes.  MY EYES.  MY HANDS.  My experience.  So then I wonder, why didn’t I feel like it was mine to have, mine to interpret, mine to process and experience?  For now, I am satisfied believing that it wasn’t mine because the rules, parameters and interpretations were already set, established, and of course correct. 

Now, I am comfortable with not knowing, I am uncertain about many things, I don’t know that any one thing has all the answers, I don’t expect to find all the answers.  I do expect to have my own experience; I do expect to have my own feelings and interpretations of the world around me, without fear.  I am not there yet, but that is currently where my journey is taking me and it feels warm, inviting and boundless.