A personal expression

Sometimes I feel capable and strong enough.  Most of the time I feel quite the opposite.  Looking back on the last year puts me in a sort of delirious haze that I still am navigating through.  Looking forward seems only slightly less uncertain.  I don’t want this post to get too personal, but then again, it is my blog and I can post whatever I want too.  I have found that many times expressing myself in a medium that others can read or see, helps me sort out what really is going on in my head and my heart.  When I was a bit younger and more creative I would either draw, paint, or whip some image up on the computer and it would be heavily therapeutic.  I would be able to put my headphones on and take the time and space I needed to get it out.  I haven’t really had that luxury lately for any number of reasons; living in Grenada, medical school for the last 5 or so years, a growing family, and more recently living in 6 different places in the last 12 months, etc. 

So I have tried my hand here and there by writing what needs to get out.  I have not shared most of my writings because they are deeply personal, and unlike visual art, is harder for me to encrypt my intentions and meanings.  Even harder has been authentically expressing myself verbally – something that I have been weak at since I was born, I think.  So have patience, bridle a hasty judgment, and allow me this space and medium for self expression.

If there is one thing that I have learned in life so far, it is that nothing is sure, nothing is certain, nothing is definite and nothing is finished.  I believe that life and all that comes with it resembles the first law of thermodynamics: energy is neither created or destroyed, but does change.  Feel free to substitute the word “energy” with whatever you please and I think you will find that it still, with fairness, makes sense. 

I understand that I have a scientific essence at times and a spiritual essence at other times.  On many occasions these two parts co-mingle and create something entirely different, something unexplainable.  For too long I tried to keep these two parts separated, like two lovers whose relationship has to be kept secret as not to upset the established balance.  But, when seen together, an entirely new entity appears. 

What I have experienced is something terrifying and wonderful at the same time.  The new entity that was born within me has changed me and allows me to feel the world around me with my own hands, and to see it with my own eyes.  MY EYES.  MY HANDS.  My experience.  So then I wonder, why didn’t I feel like it was mine to have, mine to interpret, mine to process and experience?  For now, I am satisfied believing that it wasn’t mine because the rules, parameters and interpretations were already set, established, and of course correct. 

Now, I am comfortable with not knowing, I am uncertain about many things, I don’t know that any one thing has all the answers, I don’t expect to find all the answers.  I do expect to have my own experience; I do expect to have my own feelings and interpretations of the world around me, without fear.  I am not there yet, but that is currently where my journey is taking me and it feels warm, inviting and boundless. 

I Hate My Blog

I hate my blog because it is always there wanting me to update it.  I wish I could, but you know what?  I cant.  Maybe I will think of something soon, maybe not.


The End

Themes

So I suppose it is time for a new post from Hot Poopy.  Let me first boast about some of the changes you can see to Hot Poopy.  I am an html idiot, I know nothing about it, put it in front of me and you will see my face with a blank stare on it.  I have really been wanting to add my own art work to the background of my blog, but in order to do that you need to mess with the html or whatever.  SO one night I was feeling adventurous and googled how to add my own images to my blogger background.  I love the internet.  Someone had a quick tutorial on how to do just that.  Now what you see is a swirly pattern I did a long time ago for a different piece of artwork, and I am still fond of the way it looks.  Then I decided to change my header into a complete image, instead of the lameness of what it was before.  Now on to the topic at hand...

There is actually a common theme to all these pictures.  I wonder if anybody will figure it out.

         Luke        Clark            Me               Diana          Sam

Each one of these images contains faces.  Some are obvious and others are not.  For as long as I can remember, I always seem to find faces on the wall.  Something about the pattern of the textures, I dont know. It doesn't happen all at once either.  You really have to kind of look.  The faces I can find usually range in all kinds of emotional expressions.  Some can be scary, happy, sad, you get the idea.  Faces can be found almost everywhere; walls, ceilings, flooring, wood grain patterns, etc.  Speaking of wood grain, growing up I had found some faces in the wood grain along the podium stand at church.  Those were big ones and once I found them, it was hard to look at those wood panels and not see the face images.  Don't worry, no faces have spoken to me, yet, except the faces of my kids - they are always talking.

The Answer Is.....

Ok, so thanks for everyone who participated in my little experiment.  I have to say that I am a little surprised by the outcome.  I thought for sure that more of my 100+ "friends" on facebook would have participated, but I will never know.  SO, thank you Diana, Lysa, Beth, Meri, Dad, and Mike for having the spine to participate in my simple experiment.  In all honestly one of the reasons I did this was to see who my audience was, and another reason was to even see who visits my blog.  Umm, I guess I just said the same thing twice, didnt I.  Oh well.


So if you like Vampire vs Werewolf movies, the Underworld series would be a good one for you to watch.  Besides, I think we are all allowed movie actress/actor crushes.  I have two.  Uma Thurman and Kate Beckinsale.

Sorry, I dont have any actors that I crush on.


What movie actor/actress do you crush on???  if you dare...

Experiment

Random Picture.  Do you know what it is from?

I decided to conduct an experiment.  Post here if you are visiting my blog.  If you are not to lazy or busy, try reading some of my earlier blog posts and leave a comment there.  I am trying to see how many people will visit or have visited my blog.  So LEAVE A COMMENT!  *please*

Remembering Memories of Things in the Past

I am currently feeling extremely overwhelmed.  One thing I like to do to try and escape reality is exactly what I have been doing for the past few hours - browsing music, reading wikipedia about bands, and eventually using up credits I have left on iTunes to buy music.  Don't be mistaken though, I am not much of  a new music guru, in fact I dont know very many good new songs.  Tonight started out by making a new station on my Pandora account based on The Smiths, Morrissey, and Depeche Mode.  That was cool for a while.  Listening to Depeche Mode brought back memories of Front 242, Ministry, KMFDM, and a little My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult.


A few YouTube searches and there I was watching old videos of some of the songs I love from those artists.  That led me then to search iTunes.  That always leads to a few dollars less on my iTunes account.  I already have some TKK songs, I have a few 242 cd's, what I miss are my old Ministry tapes.  Why should I have to buy music I have already paid for?  Anyway the winners tonight were three Ministry songs: Stigmata from the album The Land of Rape and Honey, Just one Fix from Psalm 69, and Thieves from The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste.


It is amazing the memories that start flying through your head when triggered from songs.




Stigmata always reminds of the time I first heard it.  I was with my oldest sister Beth.  She was driving the "Merc" aka "Sex On Wheels" and she played a tape of songs that were played at some dance place at BYU.  She must have been home for the summer or christmas break or something.  I remember the cloth on the ceiling of that car was always coming down.  So thanks Beth.

Just One Fix brings a day full of memories back into mind.  The was Lollapolooza (1993?) and Ministry played.  I remember noticing how often the guy (Al Jourgensen) went over to get a drink.  They were so loud,  and they had like a huge skeleton guy or something on stage.  That was a fun day.

Thieves will forever be liked to snowboarding for me and my mind.  I remember the song playing while getting my gear ready the night before.  I remember jamming out to it on the way up to the slopes.  I always wanted to play that song louder, but the speakers wouldn't oblige.  One time I was driving home from working at the skate shop in the Omni.  I had all the windows down and had this song cranked.  I was stopped at a red light and this guy next to me was yelling at me to turn it down.  It wasn't until I saw him out of the corner of my eye that I turned my head to see he was yelling something at me.  I thought "Oh, crap. the Omni is leaking something again."  I turned the stereo down only to hear him telling me to turn that crap down.  As you might guess I turned away from him and returned the volume to highest it would go.

It was Lollapalooza 1992.

Hulk, SMASH!

Last night we watched “The Incredible Hulk”.  Originally I thought that it would just be the boys and me watching, but Sam and Diana wanted to see it too.  I really like this movie and I actually liked the 2003 version that Ang Lee did.  Hulk has always been a character of interest for me.  I like the fact that we all have great power and strength lurking within us, but often times we work so hard to suppress it.

The difference between Hulk and other super heroes may be slightly obvious.  Other heroes have an abundance of the nice emotions like love, kindness, charity, etc.  Bruce Banner, on the other hand, has to learn to embrace what some may consider the uglier emotions we all have, anger, frustration and even fright.  He is a regular guy who hates what he becomes when these emotions become overwhelming, which in turn causes him a great level of internal conflict.  It disturbs him so much that at one point he is willing to die in an attempt to “cure” him of his condition.  Towards the end of the movie we see Bruce begin to accept himself as he is and work to manage his Hulk rather than trying to get rid of it all together. 

Throughout the movie we would have little discussions about what was going on.  At the point where Bruce is with Betty and Mr. Blue trying to cure him of the Hulk, Luke made an interesting observation.  He said, “He wants to be able to be himself when he gets mad.”  For some reason that was profound for me.  I think because even a 7 year old can understand that showing our emotions / feelings is a healthy thing, it only becomes dangerous when we let them control us. 

Now that I think about it, Luke is our kid that would understand this concept the best.  

Princess Ball

So Diana went upstairs and got Sam in the tub.  A few minutes later I heard Diana call down and ask the boys if they have seen Sam's princess ball, to which they replied "no" in unison, almost as if they didn't even really hear the question.


For the next ten minutes I hear Diana going through things upstairs, and I had forgotten about the ball.  Then I hear Diana ask Sam where she last saw her princess ball, or something to that affect.


Sam answered by asking "What ball?"

Hot Poopy.  

You may not like it, but that’s Okay.  Let me share a little history behind hot poopy.  I came up with hot poopy long ago when I was about 15 or so.  Figures, that’s when a lot of funny things are incorporated into life.  It caught on quickly and my friends and I were often found amusing ourselves using hot poopy. 

 Hot Poopy is very versatile; it can be used in almost any type of situation and at any age.  There have been times when I have used it while in Best Buy looking at new HDTV’s.  I have been known to bust it out while driving, either in a fit of anger or self congratulation.  For some reason I always feel better after some hot poopy.

You may think that your neighbor who has that really nice car has a lot of hot poopy, they just aren’t willing to share.  Don’t let it get you down, I have noticed that people who are tight with their hot poopy usually suffer in some other aspect in their life and just can’t let things go. 

At one point in my life I was using it too much, it was always there, just waiting, and I learned that other people just didn’t understand its value.  Like the lady in the Taco Bell drive through.  She had me repeat my order after I specifically asked for a number 2 and hot poopy.  After a slight moment of pause, she asked to repeat my order.  I realized she didn’t understand and just ordered a number 2.  That was during the time that I thought everybody knew, I guess Taco Bell lady had not experienced the power of hot poopy and therefore had no idea.  Her day will come soon enough, if it hasn’t already.

If you find yourself upset, offended, disgusted, or whatever because of hot poopy; then I propose that you probably are deficient in hot poopy, you may need to relax and release some of your inhibitions.

So go ahead, even if just in your mind, feel free to use, experience, or share hot poopy and see where it gets you.  This may be a particularly good exercise when you are having a bad day.  Also, you should be cautious of the company you find yourself in if you choose to share a hot poopy.


You cannot hold me responsible or liable for what may happen.